Wednesday, April 18, 2012


It is the hardest thing I have EVER done.
I don't want to scare all of you
who don't have children yet.
but I can't just pretend that life is a bubble
and go on acting like I am put together
and that I have it all figured out.
because truth is
I have NO idea what I am doing.
I am just going with the flow.
trying to figure it out.
one day at a time.
I like to say that I am so glad I had my two girls close.
but I am also so exhausted from the reality of it all.
Pea is 2.
Maelle is 1.
Lately I have been worn down.
the last 2 weeks I feel like I am just existing
with no real reason than to yell at my children
to stop fighting.
They are constantly at each other.
My day is filled with tears.
If it's not one.
It's the other.
All the time.
When Pea turned 2,
I feel like she turned into a different child.
One who is testing EVERYTHING.
yes, I know.
That's what a toddler is.
but then you throw Maelle into it all.
the sweet little blue eyed girl that is so mischievous
 and just eggs her sister on.
I am not saying this to get pity.
nor do I want you to tell me that this is parenting and you will get through it.
I know I will.
I just need to vent.
To let it out.

When Luke said he was going to become a youth pastor,
I was so happy for him.
I knew he would be great.
and he IS!
No doubt about it.
but I never really understood what being a youth pastors wife would look like.
 I look at pastors wives with a whole new admiration.
It is HARD.
Luke is gone most days during the week.
Then you add senior youth.
and junior youth.
and worship practice,
in the evenings.
then you put random friday night events in with it all.
AND THEN you add two little girls and a wife
and you have a FULL schedule.
I admire Luke for what he is doing.
He is making a difference.
Being a light.
It is just hard.
Life right now is hard.
I am trying to be optimistic.
 Trying to be a good support.
But I am getting worn.
Life is wearing me down.
I don't know how to stop it.
or slow it down.
I'm getting dragged behind a moving truck.
inch by inch my skin is peeling off.
I feel like I am not myself anymore.
I am turning into this bitter human being.
I don't want that.
for me
or my girls.
or my husband.

I am not saying this to get pity.
I just need to let it out.
Let you know that if I am not acting myself,
it is not you.
It is me.
I have a beautiful family.
a wonderful husband.
2 gorgeous girls.
We just need to get through these tough times.
and look to a brighter future.
I know this will not last forever.
I know that I will survive.
but right now.
I am at my low.
I am not all put together like I may seem on a sunday morning. 
and I may pretend just so I can get away from people asking me questions.
I love my girls like nothing else in this world.
and I will keep doing so until the day I die.

Having kids is the HARDEST but most REWARDING thing I have ever done.

No comments:

Post a Comment