Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Don't Say It...

There are things in motherhood that you just don't talk about.
Some things that stay hidden deep inside.
That seem impossible to bring up
because mom's just don't experience it.
Or they like to pretend they don't.
We put on a happy face,
put some nice clothes on
and pretend that those feelings deep down
are not there.
I am talking about PPD.
 { aka Postpartum Depression }
 The last 8 months have been a struggle.
I refused to admit that this was something I could even struggle with.
I refused to acknowledge it.
Each day it would creep out.
Each day feeling stronger and stronger.
I was angry at everything.
At everyone.
All I wanted to do was crawl in bed
and not see anyone.
I would flip out over the smallest thing.
When I would go out with friends,
I would put my "happy face" on
pretending I was perfectly normal.
But deep down,
I knew I wasn't.
I knew there was something wrong.
It took everything for me to enjoy myself
and even still,
I just couldn't.
I couldn't be truly happy
and I couldn't figure out why.
I have 3 beautiful children!
My youngest has been a good sleeper for the most part
so I am not lacking in sleep.
I have two pretty amazing toddlers!
They have their moments but overall, 
they really are good kids!
and my husband,
well I could not ask for a better man to spend my days with,
to raise my children together
and to just love!
So why was I feeling this awful sadness.
Why could I not just be happy?
Luke told me to take a vacation,
to go visit my best friend in Colorado
so I jumped on the opportunity!
I mean, 
how many husbands would let their wife go away for an entire week
and leave all 3 kids
( a 3 year old, 2 year old & 5 month old)
at home with their husband for the entire week.
I had a wonderful trip!
I thought this was just what I needed!
but when I came back,
I felt no different.
In fact,
I actually felt worse.
The first 4 days back were completely awful
and I was in tears every day.
Finally Luke looked at me
after we had one of the biggest fights we have had in years
and told me that maybe I should go see my doctor
about PPD.
I burst out in tears.
What is wrong with me?
Finally after a good evening of crying,
I decided I would make an appt.
My doctor is so sweet,
she is a naturalist and she really cares about her patients.
When she suggested that I go on medication for a little bit,
I was so hesitant.
But I knew that if she was recommending it,
I must be needing it.
For the next 2 weeks, I had a really hard time accepting
that I needed medication 
for what was going on inside.
I felt guilty for not being able to cope on my own.
I felt disappointed that I could not raise my children 
and ashamed that I needed help.
It was a very humbling experience.
It took me a bit to tell anyone,
but I knew I could not do this on my own.
I told a few close friends 
and asked them for prayer.
I could not believe the support I got from them.
Unconditional love!
There was no need for me to fight this on my own.
God has been working in me these last few months 
and I can say that through all of this,
it has helped shape me.
I quit Facebook for the most part,
other than the occasional profile change
I stopped reading through status updates
and scrolling through endless photographs.
I stopped reading all these mommy blogs that are so contradictory
to one another.
If one person supports something,
you know the next mommy blog is going to tear it apart and tell you whats wrong.
Being a mom in this day and age is tough.
Everything is out there on a screen for everyone to see.
To compare to.
To love and to hate.
So even just cutting these main things that I spent so much of my time on
has really showed me what is truly important in life.
And right now
my children are my number one focus.
I want to be that present mom
that gets in the dirt with them
rather than sitting back on my lawn chair scrolling through my phone.

So after sharing what i am going through right now,
I just want to encourage you mom's!
Being a stay at home mom has been the toughest job I have EVER done
and I do admit,
there are days when I wish I could just escape to work
outside of the home
just so I could get a decent adult conversation in.
But I do know this,
it is the toughest BUT the most important job
I have ever had!
And if you are struggling like I was,
if you are dealing with PPD,
don't keep it in.
Don't hide it.
Let someone know.
Let someone pray for you
and encourage you.
and if you need the help of medication,
don't feel ashamed.
It is there to help you!
A fellow photographer that I admire said this and it really stuck with me :

"If we are not sharing it, if we are just keeping it private,
why are we experiencing it?"
                                                                                                                                                                                  Joy Prouty   

 It is such a true statement!
If we are not sharing what we are going through,
our struggles and our high points,
why do we experience those feelings.
Let's make PPD known,
let's not hide it
and struggle with it alone.
Let's make it something we talk about
and more mom's struggle with it than you are aware of!

*some family pics we did the other day in our backyard to make you smile*


  1. Love you Lee! Thank you for being brave and sharing this... We need to be open and honest about the "dark stuff"! I 100% agree! xoxoxo

  2. I'm sorry for not noticing and not helping. I had PPD with my first and knew nothing about it. (no social media at the time!) I suffered in silence and figured I was the worst mom on the planet. So glad this is talked about now. We don't half to do this alone!

  3. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this! I don't have the pleasure of knowing you, but have been following you on IG for several months. You inspire me to be a better mother and live a simpler life. I'm glad you are finding yourself again. Keep your head up and continue what you're doing. You add brightness to my everyday.