Monday, December 17, 2012


I have been spending the last 2 days
trying to process what is going on in this world.
trying to make sense of it all.
but is there any sense to make of it?
I have been trying to understand.
to show love without anger.
but the truth is,
I am angry.
I am angry that a man can kill innocent children.
I am angry that this scenario is even possible.
that this world has gone so dark.
I know there is light in this world.
but sometimes it is hard to cut through the darkness 
to be able to see the light.
This whole thing broke my heart.
and as much as I don't want to admit,
it shot fear right into me.
fear for my own children.
that I can't even send them to school knowing that they will be safe.
I have decided to homeschool. 
At least for the first few years.
Not because of this reason.
I have known for a while now.
but because of this, it makes me want to do it so much more.
I know I cannot keep my children in a bubble.
I know I cannot keep them from harm.
but there is so much evil in this world
and it honestly scares me.
and if I can keep my children away from that evil for even
a fraction of time, I want to.
I want to do everything I can!
I cannot even imagine what the mothers of those children
in Connecticut feel at this moment.
I know I would not be as strong as some.
I know the Lord is with them,
and He is pouring His peace and love into them.
but I just can't imagine what they are going through.
It takes guts to live in this world and not hide from it.
It takes even more guts to bring children into this world.
Where do we go from here?
What happens next?
I can say all the things that Christians would say at this time like
God is our protector
and we should not live in fear
and love is the answer
but at the moment,
I am angry at our world.
and I am fearful of what's yet to come.
I know God did not do this.
I know God had no part in it.
It is just the opposite.
The world has rejected God.
Sin has crept in and taken over.
It frightens me,
what man is capable of.

I will hold my girls tight
and love them with everything I have in me!

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