Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Mommy Guilt

Do you ever get it?
the mommy guilt?
When you have missed a certain moment in time
away from your children.
You feel terrible that you are away
for such a momentous time.
Even if it's small.
I have the mommy guilt.
Today was a HORRIBLE day!
Probably the worst we have had in months.
The girls were at each other constantly
and I felt like I was yelling at them 10 times more than 
I was actually talking to them.
It was a BRUTAL day.
It didn't stop.
I tried to do a fun craft with them.
Side track them.
it turned into a screaming match that ended with
both girls on time out and mommy about to lose my mind.
They went down for early naps
because if not,
I think I may have gone insane.
Thankfully they actually slept and I got at least an hour
of peace and quiet.
Ellie woke first.
She came down in such a good mood.
I thought maybe the nap did them good!!!
Then Pea woke up.
The minute Pea put her foot onto the bottom step of the stairs,
all hell broke lose.
They were at each other.
I had no idea what to do.
So I did what any normal mother would do at this time.
I broke down.
I bawled.
not just a few tears.
Pea came up and snuggled me saying
"mommy sad"
and hugging me and rubbing my face.
Ellie snuggled beside me as tight as she could get.
and for a few moments,
there was peace.
Did it take to a mental breakdown
for my children to understand?
I sat there for almost a half hour.
Trying to get myself together.
By the time Luke came home,
I was drained.
I AM drained.
emotionally, physically, mentally.
It's Halloween.
The girls are absolutely adorable in their little outfits.
Pea is a wonder bread girl 
and Ellie is a cheetah.
We were supposed to go out tonight
but instead,
Luke is out with the girls
and I am here at home.
mommy guilt is setting in.
I am missing a night of fun
but at the same time,
I have no energy to be there.
I have no energy to socialize.
To open my mouth and say a word.
I am afraid somebody may ask me how my day was
and I will breakdown in tears.
These moments.
the mommy guilt.
We all have them.
is mine.
but I need this.
a moment to breathe.
So this was my day, and I am praying that when we wake tomorrow morning,
it will be a new day.
A day to start fresh.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!!

(I don't have a picture of them in their costumes tonight so her are the two clowns)


  1. You can do this. This is a hard job we have!

    I don't know if you read the blog 'momastery' but I have a copy of her entry titled 'Don't Carpe Diem' saved on my computer for days such as this. Helps keep the moments that feel impossible in perspective.

    You are stong Mama, even when you feel weak

    1. I just looked it up and read it! An AMAZING blog post!!!! Thanks Arlene for sharing!!! and for the kind words!!!
      Parenting is definitely hard and for any mother who can't admit it, then they must be in denial. That post definitely puts daily life with children in perspective and I like the "making a note of Kairoses each day" even when days are tough!
      Thanks so much Arlene! You are such a true honest person!