Neglecting The Blog

The blog.

Oh, the blog.

I have come on here.

thinking I will write.

planning I will write.

writing and then deleting.

what do I say to the world around me that is so close and yet so distant.

so many people read this blog.

I see it after I have written a post.

but very few, 

if any,

reply.

very few make known that they read it.

instead,

they hide behind the secret number of views.

never to be seen.

but instead,

know me so intimately.

without ever having an opinion.

a word.

an expression

to what I am saying

or what I am feeling.

blogging.

I am torn.

part of me loves to open up.

loves to bare it all.

it is a freedom.

a way to let it out.

but part of me wants to stay hidden.

because I cannot know what others think.

I only know if they express themselves.

Today,

I had a wonderful little conversation

with a friend.

Sarah.

She is a kindred spirit to my soul.

When I first met her,

Luke's first year at Tyndale,

we clicked.

and it's been history ever since.

She is honest.

Real.

Pure.

She had recently wrote a blog about being true to the person God made you.

It struck deep.

because this is what I have been struggling and overcoming lately.

In her blog, she posted part of a devotional she was reading:

“Parker Palmer captures the wonder of Psalm 139:
Vocation does not come from a voice ‘out there’ calling me to become something I’m not. It comes from a voice ‘in here’ calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original self hood given me at birth by God.
It is a strange gift, this birthright of self. Accepting it turns out to be even more demanding than attempting to become someone else! I have sometimes responded to that demand by ignoring the gift, or hiding it, or fleeing from it, or squandering it- and I think I am not alone. There is a Hasidic tale that reveals, with amazing brevity, both the universal tendency to want to be someone else and the ultimate importance of becoming one’s self: Rabbi Zusya, when he was and old man, said, ‘In the coming world, they will not ask me: “Why were you not Moses?” They will ask me; “Why were you no Zuysa?” “

So many of us focus on other people.
Focus on the gifts that other people possess instead of  focusing on our own gifts that God has given us.
We want what we can't have or what does not align to our own selves
even when we know that is not who we are.
In this society,
it is so hard to be true to yourself.
I have been working on it lately.
really searching for who God has made me
and what MY gifts are.
It is so easy for myself to look at my husband and feel inadequate.
Not because he makes me feel that way.
but because he is so good at everything he puts his hands on.
He is able to be and do anything.
but even that has it faults.
he is so good at everything,
he lacks being great in one specific field.
Whereas a person can be great in a gift,
but lack in other areas.
God has made us all so unique.
So treasured.
He has made us all our own person so that we can balance out this crazy world.
I mean,
if everyone was "good" at everything
but lacked in being great in a field,
we would not have the specialized people that have so much passion for the one thing they are great in!
and if we did not have the people who are "good" at everything,
well, there would be a lot less people helping others 

because they would feel like they are not good in that field so they can't do it.
Does this make sense?

So here I am.
Finding myself.
I have opened up the gift of creativity that God has blessed me with lately.
I have found it is a real passion.
It gets my heart thumping.
My hands sweaty.
It gets me excited to be me.
The little Lee-Anne God has put on this world.
He has given me a gift to make this world a little more beautiful with my hands.
So that is what I am doing.
I am learning every day.

and it is a long road of discovering myself.

I pray that each one of you are true to yourselves.

That you do not try to become like someone else,

but embrace the person God made you.

We are all unique.

Let's be just that!

Excerpt from: Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening to the Voice of Vocation (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000), 10-11
Devotional: Scazzero, Peter, Daily Office: Remembering God’s Presence Throughout The Day (Barrington:Willow Creek Association), 24-25.

A Little Bit Of Mom

Today is Mother's Day.

This is my third.

I cannot even express in words how much joy my little girls have given me.

I cannot imagine living a life without them.

I have been blessed.

I have been blessed with a truly AMAZING mom.

A mom who showed me how to love.

Showed me how to care.

She showed me how to give

and how to open my heart and not judge.

She is a true role model.

A mom to many.

A light in a dark room.

She is full of joy.

She looks at life through the eyes of a child.

She is not afraid to follow her dreams.

Even if they fail

and in the end, she has nothing.

She is not afraid to step out of the mold.

To be different.

She is a friend to everyone.

She is not afraid to befriend a stranger.

Or be a friend to someone that others would never even take a glance at.

She loves.

One of my most treasured moments

from growing up

was the many late nights with her.

She would wake up at 1am, 2am, 3am.

She would make the most scrumptious snacks,

some would call them meals.

I would wake up and she would invite me out to sit with her

and eat while talking and laughing

or watching a show.

No matter what time it was,

she didn't care that I had to go to school the next morning.

Instead, 

she would open her arms

and let me stay up with her until we were so tired.

I only hope that I can be as much of a blessing to my children

as my mom has been to me.

I have grown up knowing I will be a mother someday.

I have never once thought

"I do not want kids"

God gave me a heart for children.

and whether I had them biologically,

or I adopted,

I knew

I was going to be a mom when I grew up.

Now,

I am blessed with 2 little girls.

Maybe we will have more.

Maybe we won't.

Maybe we will adopt.

Who knows.

But right now,

I know that I have 2 little girls that I want to pour everything

I possibly can into them.

I want to show them the love of God.

I want to show them the qualities of God that only women have.

I want to build them up.

I want them to know that they are loved.

Not just by me,

but by their daddy.

Their grandparents.

Their aunts & uncles

and friends.

But most importantly,

by God.

Being a mom is not easy.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

But I would never take it back.

Not even for a second.

My girls are the most precious little people in the world to me.

Happy Mothers Day

to all you mothers out there,

whether you are biological, step-mom, your baby is up in heaven with Jesus, 

or if you are one of those amazing women that doesn't have children of their own, 

but you pour into others that need that extra hand to hold.

 May you be blessed not just today

but every day of the year.

Sunday Mornings

I have been struggling.

Struggling every Sunday morning lately.

Sundays are supposed to be a day to worship God as a body of Christ.

To come together and enjoy the fellowship of one another.

To learn.

It is a day to lift our praise to God

and be able to surround yourself with fellow believers while doing so.

But lately,

I have been struggling.

I wake up Sunday morning and I don't want to go to church.

I actually dread it.

With Luke's job, 

he is gone a lot of Sunday mornings before the girls and I wake up.

I scramble to get them ready on my own.

Then I scramble to do whatever I can to get myself ready

and off we go.

Stressed.

Crying.

Angry.

I get to church and it's chaos.

We try to find a seat, try to keep the girls entertained.

They get antsy so off we go to the nursery.

Pea is going through a phase where she hates the nursery

unless you are in there with her.

She refuses to go to the 2 year old classroom,

but refuses to stay in the nursery on her own.

So, 

I spend the entire service sitting in the nursery.

Annoyed.

Frustrated.

Angry.

It's the same thing.

Sunday after Sunday.

The odd Sunday Luke will not be helping out with anything so he can help me out.

Take them himself and let me sit in on the service.

 It just makes me wonder,

why do I bother?

Why do I get up, scramble around frantically to get all of us ready?

To sit in the nursery all morning!

It would be different if I could hear the music and the message in the nursery.

Maybe feel like I am a part of the service

even though I am not.

If they had a little screen that let me feel like I was able to worship too.

But instead,

I am secluded to a play area that is a little more glorified than my living room,

to sit and watch my children play.

I can do that in the comfort of my own home.

While we are in pj's and where I can enjoy a worship service played on my computer.

I am struggling with this question:

 Why do I go to church Sunday morning?

I have talked to some other moms

and they feel the same way.

But how can we make the church see this?

How can we make them understand that life is already hard for a mom

and on Sunday mornings, we still want to feel like we belong at church.

We still want to feel like we are a part of the body of Christ.

Not put into a room

to be secluded from the rest.

Maybe

this is just me.

Maybe

I am just ranting.

But

This is how I am feeling lately.

And I am having a very hard time persuading myself to get up Sunday morning to go to church.

Do you feel this way too?
I would love to hear the opinion of other moms out there!

Best Friends Ever

We got a call sunday afternoon

from our friends

TeKapua & Lindsay.

They said they wanted to do something for us

because we have had a long week and a long couple months.

all we had to do was find a babysitter for monday,

they were going to take us out.

 We scrambled around to find a babysitter.

Well no. That is an exaggeration!

We just had to post it on facebook and we got some hits instantly.

I mean,

who wouldn't want to take care of 2 adorable little girls.

or so I think.

So monday morning came around.

TK & Linds showed up at our house 

and made french toast and bacon for us!

Our wonderful babysitters

Ainslee &Alana

came by just before 11am and we were off.

They took us to Le Nordik for an afternoon of relaxation.

and then we went to this delicious mexican place

just downtown Ottawa called

"Ahora"

SOOOO GOOD!!!

We are so blessed to have this couple in our lives.

There are very few people that you can be real and honest

and talk about anything with.

These two,

we've passed the barriers.

There are no walls.

We can be ourselves with no reserve.

We are so thankful that God placed them in our lives

and we look forward to many, many, many years to come with them!

We are blessed to have such amazing friends!

Thank you so much for your kindness 

and thoughtfulness!

We LOVE you both so much!

Daddy's Perspective

Daddy's weekend as a Mommy.

So a few days ago I noticed that my wife was due for a break.  Sitting on the couch together talking about life and being parents I realized Mommy needed to get away.  So being the good husband I think I am, I said to her, "why don't you take a few days and get away".  At this moment I entered myself into an unknown world, a whole weekend with a toddler and a one year old baby. 

It was Saturday morning 0830 hours, children were getting up.  From this moment on I was taking care of the kids until mommy returned sometime in the near but distant future.  I got the girls fed dressed and ready for the day while mommy got packed and ready to go.
First task into uncharted waters was putting my 2 year old's hair into pig-tales.  It was a struggle but before my wife left she stayed to supervise the hairdo attempt.  After several tries, one loud roar of frustration and twenty minutes, I had succeeded in getting my child's hair out of her face. 
By the time mommy left and daddy got himself together it somehow already became lunchtime, where does the day go while you are taking care of kids?  Saturday was just filled with daddy and his girls, we played on the floor, we went for a walk, we watched a show and then had Pizza Hut!
One special note of attention I would like to make is that I didn't think it was possible to change 6 poopy bums in one day, but somehow I managed to. 
By the end of the day the girls cuddled me while they drank their bottles I got them ready for bed after a wild bath time, were daddy, fully clothed,  was as wet as his girls.  With them both silently in their beds I took some time to think about the day and came to the realization, I need a weekend away and is not even been 12 hours yet.  If you are a father and you think your wife has it easy while you go to work every day, think again. 
I made the smart decision to stay up late and do taxes even with the full knowledge that tomorrow was going to be a big test, CHURCH.  As I lay in my bed missing my wife I made a calculated decision that saved my life, set the clock half hour earlier than normal.  If I had any chance of getting to church with Priscilla's hair done I knew I needed at least an extra 20min. 

0730 Sunday morning came way to early, but within minutes it was all worth it because the sound of excitement coming from both the girls room fully energized me.  I made the mistake of not getting clothing out for the girls the night before, but even with that I got the girls fed, dressed, hair done (only pea) and somehow put myself together and out the door EARLY??? Yes EARLY.  In fact I made it to church with 15 minutes to spare.

While at church I thought to myself how proud I was, "ha Lee-Anne can't do this, but I AM A MAN and I DID GET THEM HERE EARLY".  Within seconds my bubble of pride would be popped.  I thought it would be good to brag to my mother about getting here early.  In her wisdom she informed me that I didn't have to do my hair, makeup all while trying to get babies to church.  All I had to do was brush my teeth and throw some cloths on, whatever was on the floor.  Then I thought about it harder, I don't even think I brushed my teeth.  I was so concerned with being SUPER DAD by getting to church on time, I forgot not only to brush my teeth, but a certain under arm application was also unfortunately forgotten. 

What I learned about church is this, it's hard.  It is hard to be alone watching two little girls, try to connect with people, all while trying to remember you are there to worship God.  I get that it is hard for mommies of young children.  In our situation it makes this a bit more complicated because of my involvement in the church I am not much help to Lee-Anne on a Sunday morning.  So even though I was there early it didn't mean much because church is a busy time with little ladies.

The rest of the weekend went pretty well, Sunday afternoon we got to go over to Mama's house and spend the afternoon and evening.  It was great to watch my girls play with their grandparents and to see how much they love them. 

That night I stayed over at my parents and had Ellie sleeping in the same room as me.   Being the good father I am I decided when I went to bed to watch something on my phone, with headphones on, who do you think I am?  But nonetheless Ellie still woke up, but I took a rare opportunity to bring her in with me and snuggle her back to sleep with me.  It was a very precious moment.

The next day we had a fun morning just the 3 of us, but the girls were up way earlier that normal so by the afternoon I was beat, soooooo, we headed over to the other Nana's house for that afternoon.  I realize that you are probably now thinking, "he didn't do it all alone, half the weekend he spent with the kids grandmothers."  That may be true but i Still did my fair share of work!

What did I learn from this whole experience you might ask?  Give mothers out there the credit their due.  You may have a very tireing job, but nothing is like being a full time parent.  You don't have time to yourself, your whole day revolves around the needs of others, and what an amazing and selfless job that is.  I didn't have that mommy moment where I broke down and cried something like, "I'm not me anymore I am just a Daddy...sniff...sniff...sniff, but any longer and I probably would have.  My hat goes off to all the mommies out there, as well as maybe the daddies that do this alone, but what I do know is that parenting was never supposed to be done alone!

Luke

Mommy Vacation

After my last post,

Luke and I had a long conversation and he offered

to look after the girls and send me on a "mommy vacation" to Toronto

to visit a dear friend Sarah.

At first I was hesitant.

I have NEVER went on a vacation without at least part of my family.

If the girls aren't there, at least Luke is.

but not this time.

Luke was going to stay home and watch the girls.

by the way:

I have the MOST AMAZING husband a woman could EVER ask for!

So I agreed.

I knew Luke would be fine.

He is a wonderful daddy that is very involved with our girls

so he knows what they like and how they like it.

but

I was still hesitant.

I felt selfish.

Luke assured me that this is just what I need and to go.

I was so happy I went.

I visited my friend Sarah Klein Geltink in Guelph.

She is a BEAUTIFUL girl

inside & out.

She is someone I know I can pour my heart out to and not feel judged.

She loves me for me.

She is a self-less, Godly woman and I am so thankful 

that first year Luke was at Tyndale I got to meet her.

Some people could call it fate.

Some people could call it coincidence.

but I KNOW

God was there.

He made it happen.

And I know that our friendship will last for a long time!

Thank you Sarah for opening your doors and for being an amazing comfort. 

I spent monday going downtown to my ol' stompin ground

Younge & Dundas

I did a little shopping at the Eatons Centre,

the mall I used to skip class and spend hours wandering!

It was crappy weather though so my Queen St shopping was very limited.

I stopped by my friend Crystal's on the way home

to spend the night with her and her lovely little 5 month old girl

in Peterborough.

It was so nice to finally get to meet Charlotte

but it made me miss my girls so terribly much!

I got home today

and I was SO EXCITED to see my family.

It was nice to get away and have a "ME" weekend 

but there is nothing like snuggling in bed with my two little girls and my hubby!

I am thankful I got to go.

It was definitely refreshing

and God definitely showed His face a lot throughout the weekend.

There were a fair bit of tears but I know it was just what I needed.

Thank you to my AMAZING hubby for letting me go 

and for my mom and Brenda for keeping an eye on the 3 of them while I was gone!

HARD

Parenting.

It is the hardest thing I have EVER done.

I don't want to scare all of you

who don't have children yet.

but I can't just pretend that life is a bubble

and go on acting like I am put together

and that I have it all figured out.

because truth is

I have NO idea what I am doing.

I am just going with the flow.

trying to figure it out.

one day at a time.

I like to say that I am so glad I had my two girls close.

but I am also so exhausted from the reality of it all.

Pea is 2.

Maelle is 1.

Lately I have been worn down.

exhausted.

the last 2 weeks I feel like I am just existing

with no real reason than to yell at my children

to stop fighting.

They are constantly at each other.

My day is filled with tears.

If it's not one.

It's the other.

All the time.

When Pea turned 2,

I feel like she turned into a different child.

One who is testing EVERYTHING.

yes, I know.

That's what a toddler is.

but then you throw Maelle into it all.

the sweet little blue eyed girl that is so mischievous

 and just eggs her sister on.

I am not saying this to get pity.

nor do I want you to tell me that this is parenting and you will get through it.

I know I will.

I just need to vent.

To let it out.

When Luke said he was going to become a youth pastor,

I was so happy for him.

I knew he would be great.

and he IS!

No doubt about it.

but I never really understood what being a youth pastors wife would look like.

 I look at pastors wives with a whole new admiration.

It is HARD.

Luke is gone most days during the week.

Then you add senior youth.

and junior youth.

and worship practice,

in the evenings.

then you put random friday night events in with it all.

AND THEN you add two little girls and a wife

and you have a FULL schedule.

I admire Luke for what he is doing.

He is making a difference.

Being a light.

It is just hard.

Life right now is hard.

I am trying to be optimistic.

 Trying to be a good support.

But I am getting worn.

Life is wearing me down.

slowly.

I don't know how to stop it.

or slow it down.

I'm getting dragged behind a moving truck.

inch by inch my skin is peeling off.

I feel like I am not myself anymore.

I am turning into this bitter human being.

I don't want that.

for me

or my girls.

or my husband.

Again.

I am not saying this to get pity.

I just need to let it out.

Let you know that if I am not acting myself,

it is not you.

It is me.

I have a beautiful family.

a wonderful husband.

2 gorgeous girls.

We just need to get through these tough times.

and look to a brighter future.

I know this will not last forever.

I know that I will survive.

but right now.

I am at my low.

I am not all put together like I may seem on a sunday morning. 

and I may pretend just so I can get away from people asking me questions.

but

I love my girls like nothing else in this world.

and I will keep doing so until the day I die.

Having kids is the HARDEST but most REWARDING thing I have ever done.