Don't Say It...

There are things in motherhood that you just don't talk about.

Some things that stay hidden deep inside.

That seem impossible to bring up

because mom's just don't experience it.

Or they like to pretend they don't.

We put on a happy face,

put some nice clothes on

and pretend that those feelings deep down

are not there.

Yes.

I am talking about PPD.

 { aka Postpartum Depression }

 The last 8 months have been a struggle.

I refused to admit that this was something I could even struggle with.

I refused to acknowledge it.

Each day it would creep out.

Each day feeling stronger and stronger.

I was angry at everything.

At everyone.

All I wanted to do was crawl in bed

and not see anyone.

I would flip out over the smallest thing.

When I would go out with friends,

I would put my "happy face" on

pretending I was perfectly normal.

But deep down,

I knew I wasn't.

I knew there was something wrong.

It took everything for me to enjoy myself

and even still,

I just couldn't.

I couldn't be truly happy

and I couldn't figure out why.

I have 3 beautiful children!

My youngest has been a good sleeper for the most part

so I am not lacking in sleep.

I have two pretty amazing toddlers!

They have their moments but overall, 

they really are good kids!

and my husband,

well I could not ask for a better man to spend my days with,

to raise my children together

and to just love!

So why was I feeling this awful sadness.
Why could I not just be happy?

Luke told me to take a vacation,

to go visit my best friend in Colorado

so I jumped on the opportunity!

I mean, 

how many husbands would let their wife go away for an entire week

and leave all 3 kids

( a 3 year old, 2 year old & 5 month old)

at home with their husband for the entire week.

I had a wonderful trip!

I thought this was just what I needed!

but when I came back,

I felt no different.

In fact,

I actually felt worse.

The first 4 days back were completely awful

and I was in tears every day.

Finally Luke looked at me

after we had one of the biggest fights we have had in years

and told me that maybe I should go see my doctor

about PPD.

I burst out in tears.

What is wrong with me?

Finally after a good evening of crying,

I decided I would make an appt.

My doctor is so sweet,

she is a naturalist and she really cares about her patients.

When she suggested that I go on medication for a little bit,

I was so hesitant.

But I knew that if she was recommending it,

I must be needing it.

For the next 2 weeks, I had a really hard time accepting

that I needed medication 

for what was going on inside.

I felt guilty for not being able to cope on my own.

I felt disappointed that I could not raise my children 

and ashamed that I needed help.

It was a very humbling experience.

It took me a bit to tell anyone,

but I knew I could not do this on my own.

I told a few close friends 

and asked them for prayer.

I could not believe the support I got from them.

Unconditional love!

There was no need for me to fight this on my own.

God has been working in me these last few months 

and I can say that through all of this,

it has helped shape me.

I quit Facebook for the most part,

other than the occasional profile change

I stopped reading through status updates

and scrolling through endless photographs.

I stopped reading all these mommy blogs that are so contradictory

to one another.

If one person supports something,

you know the next mommy blog is going to tear it apart and tell you whats wrong.

Being a mom in this day and age is tough.

Everything is out there on a screen for everyone to see.

To compare to.

To love and to hate.

So even just cutting these main things that I spent so much of my time on

has really showed me what is truly important in life.

And right now

my children are my number one focus.

I want to be that present mom

that gets in the dirt with them

rather than sitting back on my lawn chair scrolling through my phone.

So after sharing what i am going through right now,

I just want to encourage you mom's!

Being a stay at home mom has been the toughest job I have EVER done

and I do admit,

there are days when I wish I could just escape to work

outside of the home

just so I could get a decent adult conversation in.

But I do know this,

it is the toughest BUT the most important job

I have ever had!

And if you are struggling like I was,

if you are dealing with PPD,

don't keep it in.

Don't hide it.

Let someone know.

Let someone pray for you

and encourage you.

and if you need the help of medication,

don't feel ashamed.

It is there to help you!

A fellow photographer that I admire said this and it really stuck with me :

"If we are not sharing it, if we are just keeping it private,
why are we experiencing it?"

                                                                                                                                                                                  Joy Prouty   

 It is such a true statement!

If we are not sharing what we are going through,

our struggles and our high points,

why do we experience those feelings.

Let's make PPD known,

let's not hide it

and struggle with it alone.

Let's make it something we talk about

because

IT IS REAL!

and more mom's struggle with it than you are aware of!


*some family pics we did the other day in our backyard to make you smile*

Birthday Time

It's birthday time again in the Haggett house.
April is a busy one because Pea & Ellie
both have their birthdays a week apart from each other.

As most of you probably know by now,
I have been taking a break from Facebook for the last month or so.
I go on it occasionally to put up a new profile pic or to answer a message from someone
but for the most part, that is it.
I have tried to cut myself off from reading status updates and mommy blog posts
that are constantly bombarding my news feed.
I have really been bothered by all these new blog posts
dissing the creative person and saying that mom's shouldn't be creative
with their children or enhance their children's magical lives with crafts and such.
To a creative person like myself,
I am insulted when I read these posts.
I absolutely LOVE being creative.
That is a gift God gave me and I have such a passion for it
and my children are inheriting the same passion.
I did not get a beautiful voice or a smart brain for english or physics,
I didn't get an athletic body or a career driven mind,
God gave me my creativeness.
That is me.
So when I read these blog posts about moms who look at other moms
and get upset because one mom is doing crafts and making things for their children
and the other mom isn't,
it urks me.
That is the way I connect with my children.
We sit down and explore different ideas, create things from their imagination.
We bring their minds to life with a costume.
I am not trying to be better than anyone else.
I am not trying to show off
or make other moms feel bad about themselves,
and if I have
I am TRULY SORRY!
That is NOT my intention whatsoever.
Being creative is my outlet to joy, to happiness.
It is like telling another mom to stop doing what they are passionate about
because it is making other moms upset.
I am not going to tell the athletic mom to stop teaching their child how to
shoot a basketball in the net so darn well because it makes my child
look incompetent!
If that is what they are passionate about and that is the way they connect with their child,
I say "GO FOR IT!!!".
I am not going to tell the math genius to stop teaching their child how to
add because my child is not school smart at all and doesn't
even know her numbers yet so it makes my child look dumb.
Or the mom who has a passion for gardening and spends all day in the garden
with her child, I am not going to tell her to stop spending time in the garden teaching
her child about flowers and growing vegetables
because I don't have a green thumb whatsoever and my child
doesn't even know a daisy from a rose.
We all have our own passions,
our own areas that we excel in.
Let us pass it on to our children and enjoy spending time with them
doing something that we love!
I get that people do go overboard for holidays.
but if you LOVE throwing parties and decorating and you enjoy it so much,
I say "GO FOR IT!"
Enjoy sharing your passion and let your creative side out!!!

So this year for my girls birthdays,
I decided I would make them Anna & Elsa dresses!
If you have little ones at all, you have probably been introduced
to the lovely Disney hit "Frozen"
which my girls instantly fell in love with
and you have probably heard the songs "Do you want to build a snowman" & "Let it go"
one too many times but I have to admit,
I actually really like this one!
The girls knew I was making them a dress but they had no idea it was an
Anna & Elsa dress
so it was pretty special to see their faces light up when they saw what I had made them!
I found it so relaxing and fun to make these and I was so happy about how they turned out!

Winter Is Coming

Winter is coming

so us moms need to get creative!

Especially when you live in Canada

and it gets SO COLD!

I am always looking for new ways to get some energy

out of the girls 

without having to bare the cold and spend

hours getting them dressed in their winter attire.

Today,

we took Ellie`s mattress and brought it upstairs

and put it over the 3 little steps between our living room and dining room.

I put slippery pants on them

and pillows at the bottom to brace their fall if they jumped too far

and off they went.

They played for over an hour

jumping and sliding,

laughing and giggling.

It was a great way to get some energy out

and have fun doing it!

 

 

Anyone else have fun indoor ideas for the cold long winter months?

I would LOVE to hear them!!!

A Skinny Girl's Perspective

You all know those women

that have a baby and then a month later are thinner than

you have been in your entire life.

I am one of those women.

I have been struggling with this for years now.

Ever since I had my first little girl.

I know,

you are probably saying

"what is she struggling with?"

but the fact is,

it is not all fine and dandy being thin.

When you lose the weight that fast,

not only do you get dirty looks from other mothers

but you are constantly bombarded with the oh so famous

angry comments followed by a "just kidding".

At first it didn't bother me.

I shook it off and held my head up.

But after having 3 babies

and still getting comments thrown at you

left, right & center,

it is getting a little harder to deal with.

I am not wanting pity.

I just want women out there to see the other side.

The side from a skinny girl

that can't control her weight loss.

There are many days that I just wish I could hold onto my fat

just so I could get away from the snarky comments 

that are always "jokes" but feel like knives digging into my back.

I have become self conscious about what I wear,

not wanting to wear form fitting clothes to avoid the stare down

from another mother.

The point that I really want to make with this blog

is that us mothers have to stick together!

We have to uplift each other no matter what!!!

Whether your friend loses her weight or not,

if she has a better delivery than you

or a smoother recovery.

It seems like our world is so concentrated on the negative,

the horror stories and who had it worse

that we ignore the people who have had it ok and we ignore THEIR stories.

 We all go through struggles

and we all have our praises.

I want us women to be able to rejoice in the praises

as much as you encourage in the struggles.

Words are like daggers,whether you are joking or not.

Motherhood is tough enough!

Let's not put ourselves down, or others

but rather

use your words to praise others and

lift them up!!!

 

Honestly

I have not written in a while here,

not sure if it is because I have been avoiding it

or because I just don't want to.

Our life has been a roller coaster

the last few months

and I feel like all I do is complain.

I am trying to look up but every time I do,

the sun blinds me and forces me to look down.

And here I am,

staring at the ground

wondering what the heck is going on in my life?

Wondering how I got here

and what is the next step?

I would be lying if I said this move was not hard.

In fact,

I have lied.

I know there have been many times where I have sucked up a happy face,

pretending it all has been perfect.

When in fact,

it has not.

Our house is a great house

and we are so thankful for it.

It has been everything we have looked for.

The girls have loved it.

The first few weeks were full of the girls

checking out every square inch.

Enjoying the different levels

and finding new play areas each day.

I thought Ellie had really embraced the move,

but now I am wondering if she had just tucked all her anxiety down

and now is starting to unleash her over reacting feelings.

The last few weeks as a mom,

I have felt defeated.

Lost.

I have screamed more times than I have been able to laugh.

I have cried more tears than I have been able to smile.

Parenting right now has not been a joy.

Honestly,

I can't put it any other way.

I have felt like I am at the end of my rope.

So many days, 

I have found it hard even just to get dressed.

To put on a nice outfit or wash my face.

It has been a struggle.

I love Ellie more than anything in the world

but she has stretched me beyond anything I have ever thought I could go.

She has pushed me to my breaking point.

Each day it has been a struggle

just to get through the day until the moment Luke walks through the door.

Ellie has started this awful whine.

All day long.

It doesn't stop when she is with me.

She whines about everything.

 It could be the smallest thing and she is instantly in tears.

Her reactions to anything and everything have been heightened 1000x.

 I have tried to stay calm,

try to understand.

But after dealing with this day after day,

my patience has dwindled.

I am trying to understand her,

figure out where she is coming from

but I just don't know anymore.

Her highs are HIGH

and her lows are LOW

and lately she has been living in the lows all the time.

On top of all of this, 

we have yet again caught another flu bug.

What is going on?

How on earth can we have another bug?

More puking,

More laundry.

This has been our life lately.

I'm sorry,

this is depressing

but I need to get it out.

I can't just pretend.

Our house HAS been depressing lately.

We are working on trying to figure out the best way to raise our Ellie.

She is not an easy child

and I know we got spoiled having Pea first.

Ellie has got so much life in her,

we are just having a hard time being able to bring that out

rather than the sad, I'm mad about everything, continuous crying  Ellie 

that she has been the last few weeks.

I have been finding myself wishing I could go to work

and just send my girls off to daycare to let someone else raise them.

I don't want to think this way!

I want to enjoy being home with them.

Enjoy laughing and playing with them.

Hopefully soon we can get out of this funk.

I am getting tired.

Drained.

Life has been exhausting lately.

This is me, just being honest.

Our House Upside Down

We can't seem to catch a break.

This move has been exhausting.

Who thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant

and then move when you are almost in your 3rd trimester?

Stupid idea!

And then we get blown with a stomach bug

that is just downright AWFUL!

Ellie has been sick since Wednesday.

I have not cleaned up so much puke in the last 10 years than

I have in the last 5 days!

Everywhere you can imagine!

Our washer machine has had a good workout 

the last few days!

We thought she was getting better,

she hadn't puked in almost 48hrs, she had eaten a dinner & a breakfast

and then what do ya know?

She starts it up again.

The poor little thing has been in such great spirits

for most of the time which makes it a little easier.

Lots of cuddling and watching tv.

She has been drinking lots which is very good,

she is always asking for water.

Today,

Luke decided he would take Pea to church with him

since she had no symptoms of the flu whatsoever.

On the drive there, they got just around Carleton Place

and she threw up all over.

We have yet to decide whether it was car sickness or the flu.

She seemed fine after she got home and got in the bath 

and she hasn't seemed off since

so we are leaning towards car sickness

and praying that she isn't getting this nasty bug!

It's been a WILD few days

and in all this craziness....

we are moving!!!

Tomorrow is our last day in this house

and it will be a BUSY one!

Send a prayer or two up for our family

that the whole move goes smooth

and that our little ones are feeling better asap!

When it rains...it pours right?

 Always so happy, even when she is sick!

 Pea is taking it easy today and she just sat and held my hand while watching a show.

 Luke was falling asleep on the couch so the girls decided he need

cookies and a Dora baby to keep him company.

Always Behind The Camera

I am usually always behind the camera.

I have a million pictures of my girls,

but as I look through my pictures,

I barely have any pictures of my girls WITH their mommy.

One day, 

I am hoping to get professional pictures done of our family

without having to use the timer. lol

Today,

I decided we would set up the camera and take a few

mommy and girl pics so that when they look back

at the millions and millions of pictures,

at least they will see a few pictures mixed in there

of their mommy and the incredible love I have for them.

Here is our little photo shoot from today!